Tell Me What I Need to Hear

Whenever I coach an executive, I receive feedback about him/her from a variety of folks across all levels of the organization through one-on-one interviews.  When done well, sharing the output from what I’ve learned in those conversations can be life-changing for my client. How so? Here’s my feedback on feedback.

When conducting one-on-ones, there are the traditional questions that cover: what the person does well; where s/he struggles; how s/he communicates, leads and influences; and, what changes are suggested. Providing a list of things that people observe about the individual and identifying what they like and appreciate (and don’t), will increase awareness and help to identify habitual behaviors; but that just skims the surface. And, more importantly, it often prompts a desire by the client to respond, to justify, to defend … “I have to be direct with my team because they are new and don’t know what to do.” “When my peer is presenting, I don’t speak up because I don’t want to take his spotlight.” “They just have different styles – and I don’t want to change who I am.”

On the surface, these reactions may seem reasonable. Yet, they don’t get to the real heart of the matter. This is solved by asking one additional question: “What is the impact to you, and others, when the person does or says what you’ve shared with me?” This helps them move from a tactical list to where the life-changing stuff happens.

When I share with my client the impact those behaviors have on others, I can literally see the “aha” moments: “I was trying to educate my team by being direct; but now that I know they feel I don’t trust them”; “I didn’t want to steal my peers’ spotlight; I certainly didn’t realize they interpreted it as not being supportive or having their back.” “I thought we were trying to accomplish the same thing in different ways; guess my way really missed the mark.”

When the insights include not only what happened tactically but also people’s perceptions of why those actions took place, the real work can begin – exploring with my client the various ways s/he can shift actions and behaviors that support their leadership desires.

That’s feedback done well; and it’s also when feedback becomes a true gift.

This Week: Feedback, at its best,  isn’t about what the other person did wrong (or right) but rather how you internalized their behavior or actions. When someone asks you for feedback, remember that you are sharing your perception. That can sometimes mean your interpretation of not only the events that took place but also the reason behind the events, which may be dramatically different from the other person’s perceptions and/or intent. Think about the impact you want to have when deciding your approach in sharing your feedback.  Or, proactively ask for feedback about something you did this week. If the person only shares the tactical stuff, ask about the impact it had on that individual. Keep an open mind by looking at things through their eyes. My bet is there will be meaningful dialogue as a result.

In Next Week’s Post: Building alignment.